It’s been an eventful year with great of ups and great downs (as My April in 2013 mentioned), and I think the journey will continue on the next year of my life. A month ago, I learnt that I’m in a bit of a predicament: I have an invisible counting-down clock on top of my head. This clock counts down the amount of time I can spend living and working in the US if things stay the way it is now. I…should’ve been able to know it sooner, but alas I didn’t. It was a combination of languid carelessness and an exceedingly hopeful mindset, and now I’m paying the price. *sigh*
But what makes me madder than anything else is not the situation itself. It’s my reluctance to act more aggressively to get myself out of this situation. You see, I always see myself as someone who’s very self-motivated and results-oriented. I like to do things, learn new things, and move forward. And yet, I can’t seem to muster the necessary strength to really be all-out to fix this situation. Perhaps it’s because I’m burned out, or maybe it’s because the results are all possibilities full with uncertainties. I know I don’t necessarily like things I cannot grasp or control.
I feel like a child lost in an unknown forest. I have walked for a while and I have lost my strength after walking for a while, tripped a rock, and fell down bruising my arms and legs. I started to cry.
As I grow older, I know more about FEAR and how it can just affects me in ways I did not anticipate when I was younger. I learn how to make my way around it, keep it at bay when I continue to move forward calmly. But in this situation, I need to face it head-on, I need to focus and collect my strength and yet not let my invisible clock weighing down my psyche. But so far, I don’t think I’m doing a good job.
And sometimes I see social media updates littered with great news of your friends boasting (consciously or not) their accomplishments and new jobs. While I can be happy for them, it’s normal when I feel envious sometimes, comparing my own situation to others who seem more fortunate. But at the same time, it’s a foolish way of thinking, albeit an easy one to retreat to the comfort zone of “why’s everybody else is more fortunate than I am?” mentality.
Thank God for life experience so I can break away from that downward spiral. How and why I get here is more important. I learn so I can gain knowledge, many times through mistakes, and hopefully next time I don’t make the same mistakes. I need to continue to learn so life is worth living. Without learning, I can gain years but I don’t exactly continue living. The learning involves defining myself more; knowing which bullshits to tolerate and which matters are too menial for me to care. I pick my battles more and learn to give myself more wholeheartedly because I don’t live twice.
Moreover, the learning involves looking back to my past experience. I happened to read my past My April 2011 note, and incidentally my past self re-ignited my self-motivation via this excerpt:
We are all familiar with those moments, especially the first ones mentioned. Sometimes we feel no one appreciates us, no one understands us. Sometimes we feel like we deserve medals of honor for something so grand and beautiful, but no one seems to care and even take us for granted. Sometimes we feel used and betrayed, and often times we feel angry and furious.
But the thing is, these are all part of what life continuously throws at us. Not to see how great we are as individuals, to marvel the achievements we reach. But to see how we handle things with positive attitude and give thanks even at the blackest abyss, and to move forward by helping others. Life is not about us. It’s about how we use our life to reach out to others.
So lately, thanks to my friends and moments of rest, I feel better. My dream starts to have a continuation:
I feel like a child lost in an unknown forest. I have walked for a while and I have lost my strength, tripped a rock, and fell down bruising my arms and legs. I started to cry.
But the fireflies pass me by, as their lights help me illuminate paths towards possible exits.
Deep in the forest, I wiped my tears away, dust myself off, and get up.
Thanks for reading,
Musank